A Snippet into Recovery #3 – What happens to our body during recovery.

As you may have read my previous blog about the first goal of recovery is working though R.A.V.E.S  – Regular eating, Adequate nutrition, Variety, Eating socially and Spontaneity. This was the first goal of recovery to restore weight and re-establish stable health.
This process sounds very simple in theory, and restoring weight sounds like a nice task for anyone to have – imagine being told to have free rein of what food and how much food you eat because your goal is to restore weight.
I honestly thought the whole process of recovery would be simple and straightforward. Just eat more, and I will get better, and my body will soon return to my ideal weight and then I will be better. 

It sounds very easy, for me looking back at this, it still sounds like it should be easy. However it was definitely not. It was neither glamorous, enjoyable or straightforward. The things that happened to both my body and mind I was always (and still am) amazed (and frustrated) at what changed. So let me give you a bit of insight as how his whole “Recovery” thing is a yucky process for us – but totally worth it. Or, if you’re someone experiencing similar issues, it’s completely okay and common. 

THE MENTAL:

Eating adequate nutrition. Firstly, it’s damn hard enough accepting the fact that we actually have to eat more. More food and more frequently.

3 snacks and 3 (big) meals seemed like a lot, like I would be the size of a flabby whale after 1 week, especially since I was going from just 3 pissy meals. This was hard to accept, and sometimes I would purposely skip a snack because I didn’t do enough steps that day – it’s a constant mental battle. 

Eating socially is always a difficult pill to swallow. I never ate out or ordered food in – simply because we have no control on what ingredients they used, how they cooked it and the exact weight of what each ingredient was. I wouldn’t have been able to order in or go out by myself, in-fact I still don’t think I am. 

I had to convince a dear friend to come out with me. She was a pushy one – and I do encourage you to find a person who keeps you accountable. She made sure I didn’t alter my order (previously I would have asked for poached eggs on toast, with no butter or oil and a side of spinach and a long black) and she made sure I finished my food and ate all my toast – and got a proper coffee. 

The other thing about this is it might have been okay to eat out and get the job done, however for the rest of the day our mind constantly yells at us to go and compensate for ‘all that extra food you just ate’. Or to skip snacks, or to eat less during meals. There is no peace. But this friend helped me through some challenging situations – where others wouldn’t understand the importance of. 

Our minds also try to create new rules around these rules set by the psychologist – No eating out 2x in one day. Only 1 fun food per day, I MUST eat my afternoon snack at 3:30pm and my tea at 7:30 pm – I am not allowed to eat any earlier than that (even if I’m hungry). This is the eating disorder trying to get back some control and satisfaction. 

One story sticks in my mind with this. I had been out for brekkie with my gal pal and that was great. I felt accomplished that I had won that battle and get on with the day without any more difficult meals. However later in the afternoon, Mum had just got a message that a dear friend (whom we hadn’t seen in over a year) was around and was really keen to go out for tea that night with us.  FUUUCCKKKKKK.
I don’t think I had ever had a panic attack and mental break down quite like it. The Carla brain wanted to go and see this friend and catch up and chat and enjoy time together because who knows when we will see each other again. However the eating disorder was loud – I can’t DARE eat out AGAIN in 1 DAY. That just is not allowed. I didn’t plan for this. If I knew this, I wouldn’t have gone out for brekkie. I’m going to gain weight FASTER than I should. Anxiety was high and I was very very emotional in the middle of a proper panic attack.
I remember going back and forth to Mum “Alright let’s just go and get it done”…. “No wait, I can’t do this”….. “We haven’t seen her in ages, it’s just 1 more meal, Mum lets just go.”… “No I can’t do it’. My mind was flooded and overwhelmed with negative thoughts. – This is what it’s like to challenge the eating disorder.

But the only way to get over the eating disorder and to succeed in recovery is to go directly through the challenges and I found myself committed to the cause. Our life is not supposed to be inflexible, restricted an ruled by a disordered brain. 

THE PHYSICAL:

Going from eating so much more food (and liquid calories), I was always, constantly full and bloated. It is uncomfortable. Often we find ourself forcing down food which was not 1 part enjoyable – but needs to be done. 

Because we go from such a low – fat intake to a completely different diet, our insides didn’t really appreciate the sudden increase in fat and calorie dense food. We often find ourselves nauseous and shitting out water (aka diarrhea). This probably happened to me AT LEAST 3-4 x a week. However this was no excuse to eat less.

From a restrictive diet lifestyle, our metabolism slows down a lot. Then, all of a sudden our body gets all this extra food and energy that it is not used to. Our body has no idea what to do with this excess energy. Often our body shoots into a state called hyper-metabolism, where we just burn energy for the sake of it. For me and many others, this was night sweats. Each night I would wake up a sweaty, sticky mess – even in winter. There’s night sweats in the summer when it’s like 40 degree heat, and then there’s recovery night sweats. There is no comparison. 

This can also lead to an extreme hunger phase. The only way to explain it is imagine being full and bloated, but still hungry, even ravenous for calorie rich foods. I honestly thought I was beginning to develop Binge Eating Disorder – and that was scary because it is not uncommon for someone with a restrictive eating disorder to transfer into another eating disorder. 

I would finish tea and my after tea snack and feel very full, yet my mind wanted to scoop down a jar of nutella or biscoff spread (not just 1 or 2 scoops, like a LOT of scoops). I was told to listen to my mind, because restricting myself for so long and then suddenly eating more, my body wanted to get in all the food and energy it could – who knows when it could be restricted again. 

This was scary, because later on, after consuming the extra rich food I felt very ashamed and guilty for eating ‘extra food’, and then the battle would go to get me to compensate. This wasn’t a fun time because I genuinely didn’t know what was wrong with me, I thought something was wrong. 

This hyper-metabolism also can make it really difficult to actually gain weight for a start. I didn’t think it would  be that hard to gain some weight, especially considering the amount of food I was eating and how small my frame was. I thought It would be a mindless task that just happened in a nice straight linear line. 

For start, I actually lost and maintained weight – much to my surprise, but again quite common. This was quite deflating as we put ourselves in really uncomfortable situations and challenge our thoughts, yet get no instant reward from it. The initial goal WAS to gain weight. Eventually, we just needed to keep increasing the amount of food I was eating – even though my stomach was full to the brim

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I will admit, it took a lot longer than I would have liked to start noticing some benefits of the process. It takes so much strength and resilience to keep going each day. After grinding out the recovery process for a while the benefits far outweigh the temporary pain my mind and body went through.

We become happier, less frustrated and like our old self. I was pissed off so easily. Our brain is being nourished better and therefore anxiety and mental health symptoms improve – this actually makes it easier to challenge ourselves.

We aren’t so sensitive to the cold, and didn’t need to wear gloves all the time. 

We don’t feel so frail and actually have energy to do hobbies and activities. 

Our libido increases and eventually get signs of a returning menstrual cycle. 

To sum it up, there are a lot of unexpected phases our bodies go through when we are restoring weight and health, more than anyone else realises or understands. This is such a hard and challenging process but in the end so so rewarding. I encourage us to find a strong and close support circle to ride the waves with us. Not everyone understands or knows what goes on behind the scenes but if we can allow people inside and open up to them – we do not feel so alone, isolated and we are encouraged to keep pushing through.