A Snippet into Eating Disorder Recovery #1 – Acceptance

Recovery is hard. It is an extremely long, exhausting process. Many people never know what freedom is, and many people don’t fully recover. It’s not uncommon to have lapses and relapses and definitely not uncommon to never fully recovery.

I have been fortunate enough to receive specialised psychological therapy specific to my eating disorder – fun fact; that was after being on a 6 month long waitlist. 

Everyone’s recovery journey is different. Different eating disorders facilitate different evidence based methods of recovery. Then, everyone’s severity and starting point is different, along with different goals, different behaviours, beliefs and fears. 

To overcome an eating disorder, or any mental health illness for that matter – there is a fair chance you will need specialised help. 

I know many people are not exactly sure what is involved in overcoming an eating disorder, or for those out there unsure if they want help I hope this can give you some insight about my personal journey as what I have, what I am and what I will be working on as well as some things which helped me through tough times. 

Coming into therapy I had no idea what to expect, I didn’t know of anyone who had been through it and there were all sorts of different stories on the internet. So I hope to clear up some misconceptions and help you understand what it may be like. 

I began my recovery and therapy with a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise and was clinically underweight. I was missing social occasions due to the fear of weight gain or the fact that it interfered with my exercise routine, I was tired and moody all the time. I would feel extremely guilty for days if I ate something that I didn’t plan for, and had more calories than I was allowed. I didnt even allow myself to take a single bite out of my own birthday cake. 

I had just come out of hospital after a ruptured gastric ulcer (will later discuss the relationship between eating disorder and gut health) and was therefore forced to cease all forms of structured exercise. I had no choice here – much to my disgust. 

In my very first session, after meeting my psych she soon laid down the law. Expectations were set between ourselves and ground rules were laid. She was kind, compassionate, yet stern and direct. 

Some expectations and rules included:

• Weekly 50 minute appointments. In this appointment we would do a weigh in (The only time in the week I was allowed to weigh myself, my brother had to hide the bathroom scales at home as I would religiously weigh myself daily), followed by discussing any issues and problems I had during the week and plan forward. 
• Keeping an accurate food diary each day (what, how much, what time, where I was, who I was with and how I felt at that time). 
• A rough plan of what foods I should eat (this only detailed groups of foods carbs, fats, protein, calcium and ‘fun’ foods) 
• Any tasks and challenges I was asked to do during the week. 
• Readings to complete during the week of any topics we were working towards 

After discussing expectations she made one thing very, very clear. If I am not committed to this, and complete the tasks and expectations she will cease helping me and refer me to a far more intense day clinic (2-3 days a week spent at a clinic, where I have far less choice, would need to take time off work and much more intense). I did NOT want to do this. 

Things brings me to the first step towards recovering.  

ACCEPTANCE.  

At the end of the day, nobody can make us do anything, nobody can make us recover or get better. It comes down to our own decision. Do we want to get better? Are we ready to get better?

I remember recently talking to my Mum about early days (before I was getting help), she mentioned how in the beginning she just thought if she could come down to live with me and feed me  herself and cook for me, I would get better. 

However, this would have definitely pushed me further away because I didn’t want her help, I didn’t think I was ready to get better. I didn’t think I was sick. 

It was honestly shameful to admit to myself and to accept that yes, maybe I do need some help. I thought “How can I, Carla, healthy, happy, bubbly hilly billy get an eating disorder?”, “What will all my friends and people of my home community think to know that Carla, who cares so much about her health and well being have an eating disorder?”. 

The other side of it was that, “Well, I don’t look emaciated, I don’t don’t look anorexic, so maybe I’m not that bad”. – I can tell you now, you do NOT need to be underweight or have a certain ‘look’ to have an eating disorder. – only 6% of those people with eating disorders are actually underweight. 

But I wasn’t happy, my behaviours were worsening and I honestly felt like a prisoner and didn’t want to feel like this forever. I couldn’t live if it was going to be like that. 

Only we decide what and how much we put in our mouth and eat, or why and how much we exercise. We can be told to do things, however we are the ones who action behaviours, they are our behaviours. 

Maybe, temporarily we are forced to do things (ie in hospitals, nasogastric tube feeding – to help weight get out of the clinical range), but this is only temporary, soon we will be back into reality and have to feed ourself and challenge ourself again. 

If we cannot accept we need to change and importantly WANT to change, nobody can help. 

To recover we need to accept and be motivated and ready to change. 

This is always the hardest part. It is scary, uncomfortable and isolating. 

I still constantly ask myself now “do I still want to do this”, “aren’t I happy as it is now”. 

To help myself and many others accept and want to change we need to make some things clear:

• What are my values for living, how do I want to live my life? 
• Do I actually understand the consequences to my health if I continue the way I am going?
• Do I want to feel like a prisoner of my own mind forever?
• Do I want to be able to celebrate birthdays, weddings, Christmas, Easter, and special family and friends gatherings without being obsessed with the food, or my exercise routine?
• Do I want to just view food as food like everyone else, not calories, not fat, just food.  

We need to constantly remind ourselves of these things. Sometimes we need help, and we need people to help remind us, especially when we are extremely uncomfortable, agitated and anxious about challnges and changing behaviours – thank you so much to my those who are helping me. 

Please, educate yourself about the consequences, wonder what you want for your future self, be your best self, and help your loved ones struggling be their best self.

In my next snippet of recovery, I will talk about some of the first things I worked on and what was involved in the early process of recovery. I will talk about what helped, how I navigated it and what didn’t help. Fear foods, adequate eating, regular eating, social settings, lack of control – I will discuss this and more. 
If you think someone might need help and you’re not sure how to go about it, read my blog – How to support someone with an ED