Christmas, New Year, Summer holidays. It’s such an exciting and amazing time of year to celebrate with your most loved and dearest. There is no other feeling like the lead up to Christmas and celebrating Christmas day, sitting around the table with everyone chatting away, laughing and eating and drinking the most delicious family recipes.
I remember and reminisce about the days we wake up and eat whatever we desire for brekkie, eating as much sweets as we like, and just enjoy the day it is, a celebration.
However, although it is often the biggest day of the year, for someone trying to get through an eating disorder, it is genuinely the most frightening, anxiety provoking, nervous time of the year, no matter how much we love our family and want to have an incredible day.
Its really quite a hard topic to explain, because the day is supposed to be a special and happy one, but we can’t help but be constantly bothered by a very loud eating disorder voice in our head. Firstly, I think I want to let you know what behaviours to keep an eye out for – it is an exhausting time and really mentally challenging but I hope to clear up the conflicting battles ongoing in our mind.
- Agitation and frustration the morning of and throughout the day – different to our usual happy and content self.
- Closed off and quiet during meal times – often daydreaming, inside our own mind – please if you notice this happening, make an effort to save us from ourself.
- The need to do a big exercise session the morning of.
- Not eating the foods our younger self would love.
- Avoiding food groups – restricting
- Avoiding conversations around food and meal prep leading up to the occasion.
It has become and is part of our culture to use food and drink to celebrate occasions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this – nor should there be, because food and drink bring people joy and it is pleasurable and helps bring people close together.
However I ask you to Stop and think about this..
I bet you/ the chefs in charge have already started discussing what food and drinks are going to be part of the Christmas day menu, I bet a fair part of you started these conversations days and weeks ago. What you are going to have for lunch and tea, as well as nibbles and drinks. There is a HUGE emphasis on making sure the food is both delicious and in abundance.
Knowing this, imagine someone who struggles with disordered eating and eating disorders where indulgent food is what we fear and avoid.
The fact that:
1 – The food involved is cooked by someone else, and more on the indulgent side
2 – This calorie rich food is likely to be what you have for the entire day of meals (it will be hard to compensate the next meal)
3 – You are sitting and eating this scary food in front of lots of other people.
Christmas and big days like this are the pinnacle of eating disorder triggers.
We know it’s JUST ONE DAY of food AND WE WON’T GAIN THAT MUCH WEIGHT. But we are honestly too caught up in our own mind to understand this or process it, because it’s the HERE and NOW, and here and now we are about to eat a lot of unhealthy food, and that is scary. We know the logic and we know everyone else is having a fat time eating all the foods, but our eating disorder doesn’t care, so we don’t care about the logic.
It’s really hard to help you understand what we feel.
I feel disappointed in myself and a bit in shame for the fact that yes it really triggers me, and it has in the past affected my mood and being present during the day – I have been far too stressed about the food and fear of weight gain. I honestly didn’t enjoy the day, it’s a mentally exhausting day. It’s exhausting approaching Christmas listening to all the talk about food prep, it just amplifies the game day nerves.
We feel shame and disappointment because deep down, we WANT to enjoy it, we WANT to be careless and just celebrate with loved ones. But eating disorders can so easily take away the joy of these precious times.
The way I see it, Christmas and these celebrations will always place a large emphasis on food. As it should – like I said, food can bring joy. However if you know someone struggling badly:
- Perhaps it is a wise idea to avoid the topic of food preparation leading up to the event.
- If you notice someone shut off during the day, engage them in normal conversation.
- DO NOT mention how much you / anyone else has eaten.
- DO NOT mention the effects of the food on your body – this will give more reason for us to resort to restricting behaviours.
- Maybe a family fun game can help us escape our own mind – help us forget the constant thought of food in the back of our mind.
Also, if you’re nervous about Christmas or another occasion similar – remember food is just food. Yes it is indulgent, but do you want an eating disorder to take away precious family time – what if it’s your last occasion you spend together like this? Don’t let a fear ruin this.
What’s are you afraid of?
What is the reality of this fear?
What can you do now to help your future self be free?
For more advice, The Recovery Club has recently posted about navigating the festive season, worth a read.
