A Letter to Myself, 24 months ago.

Dear Carla,

I know, and understand that you feel isolated, lonely, anxious and frustrated. I know that the only time your mind is quiet is when you are fast sleep, even then, sometimes you get nightmares about your health.

I also know that Mum, Dad, Joel and Elise are all worried for you. They actually feel helpless watching your health deteriorate and not knowing what to do, how to stop it, or how and where to get advice on how they can help you. Please try not to get angry at them, don’t push them away, like the disordered voice wants you to – they want to see you glow, like you did pre-eating disorder, and like they know you are capable of doing.

You’re also worried about yourself too, because you can’t seem to imagine a life anymore without triggering thoughts and impulses. It would have been pretty bloody rough to get a formal diagnosis, because you aren’t sure how things escalated from being a strong, healthy female to someone feeling so frail and low. Know you are NOT this diagnosis, and that you most definitely can and WILL get back to this strong and healthy female you so deserve to be.

Somethings will need to change for you to get there though. Nothing will change if you don’t change.  It is a long journey ahead, but I know you will be better off once you keeping pushing through.

You have some dear, close friends. I think you should probably tell them about what you have been struggling with – they might not understand or know what to do. And I know it’s an awkward topic to tell them out of the blue, that you are mentally and physically unwell.  But they are the most gorgeous people and they will be there.

Support, love and care outside from family helps. I know there are some things you don’t like explaining to Mum or Dad, so confide in your friends – they’ll check up on you regularly and will be there to vent to any time you need… which you will need I can assure you.
Also, I know the eating disorder voice is so badly is keeping you from going out socially, for brekkie or for coffee with you friends. But remember you are actually going out to catch up with your friends, you are not going out to gain weight – with friends there (like the voice tells you).

These are supposed to be the best, most free years of your life where you build strong connections and friendships – you can already feel yourself becoming socially isolated, your friends love you, and you love them so just go – with the focus on seeing them. I’ve been there and tried, and I can tell you I felt a heck of a lot more blessed and warmed catching up with those girls (even if I did only have a long black) then staying at home fretting about my next workout. Staying home will only leave you feeling more empty, you’re loved, and they don’t judge, so just go. I so deeply regret the opportunities I gave up seeing my friends or family because of a voice in my head.

Speaking of your next workout, I know how much you value exercise and movement, you always will. But honestly, it’s getting a bit bloody excessive and impulsive. Surely you can see that waking up at 5:45 am each morning to do a 6km walk is bonkers. I know you wake up feeling the NEED to, even if you’re tired as shit, your brain is yelling at you that you NEED to do this movement. But I honestly just woke up at 7:30 am and went for an afternoon walk because it was a nice day. Yet here I am, still alive, I am no less of a person because I didn’t wake up to do a long walk. Yeah, I have restored some weight since I was where you are, but I’m honestly glad about it – as scary as it was.

 I’m sure you don’t like the impulsiveness of the movement you do, and that you feel like you can’t do any less than the day before, and that you miss the feeling of joy when you move now that it has become rigid and impulsive. It’s not manageable to keep doing what you’re doing, is it?  Just try and slower walk, maybe just 3km tomorrow. And take notice of the gorgeous houses on the esplanade, or peoples gardens and how much time you think they put into it. Or judge the people swimming in the beach or the dogs running around – you’ll feel a lot better for it, and it’s a change you need.

I know where you’re at is extremely overwhelming and you feel like you don’t want to push the boundaries because it makes you uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. But I just spent my birthday eating cake and a pasty, you just spent yours running 10km to allow yourself to eat some sourdough bread, only later to restrict your next snack. I know in this writing it sounds very illogical and almost silly, but it’s just what your brain is telling you ever so loudly. I can tell you now, the eating disorder will always get louder the less you challenge it, and eventually it will get too much.

I went through these uncomfortable things you fear, the things you know need to happen in order to get through this. But I am out the other end and can live a life of more freedom, I can actually rest on a Sunday morning and exercise for performance again rather than impulse.

Yes I made changes and you know what changes you need to do, some days are shit – that’s okay. Just change the smallest thing tomorrow and you will be so much better off in the long term.

Yes you fear restoring weight, and you will end up restoring weight. But please admit to yourself that you are constantly hangry, tired and feeling down – why not just try it once for now fuelling yourself a bit more, and see how you feel tomorrow. See that no, you have not become a different image or become less of a person. I know you don’t see yourself as ‘that bad’ or ‘than unhealthy’, but you are and all your loved ones can see it. You WILL end up in hospital if things do not change.

You are so strong, determined and loved. Show yourself some love through nutrition, rest and joyous things tomorrow and take notice of how you feel. You got this Queen, Netball 2021 wants you!!