24 months, 24 months since being freshly diagnosed with an eating disorder. A LOT has changed. However one thing that has not changed is the fact that life keeps throwing curve balls, challenges, triggers and disappointments.
I haven’t really been triggered much lately, I actually feel like I could say I am mostly recovered from an eating disorder. I eat out socially 1-2x per week, eating the pub chicken snitty or the salt and pepper squid. I eat foods other people cook for me, I do not exercise impulsively- at all. I have been forced out of my comfort zone, attending social events in new environments, with new people, making new friends and memories. I am genuinely doing very well.
The thing is however, I feel like I will always have thoughts, triggers, and temptations. It is now my ability to cope and dismiss these triggers that I am thankful for.
Recently, life has thrown another challenge at me, probably one of my toughest. A few weeks ago, playing netty, I ruptured my ACL and recently got surgery on this- this means a 9-12 month rehab period until I can play netball again (disgusting).
Yes, this meant a step back in my mental health, as it would be for anyone. Weeks off of work, more discomfort than you would anticipate, painful exercises that need to be done, lack of sleep and the obvious dread of missing out on beloved sport for a long time – it’s just not a fun time for anyone.
However, although I have thought I am “mostly recovered” it’s challenges like this that make me check myself again, and remember things don’t dissipate so easily.
Not only does this mean I will miss the remainder of my netball season, and my purpose to train and exercise, it means I have to be home for a couple weeks.
Eating food I haven’t cooked or prepared or have no control over (as much as I am appreciative of my family support). My mind is still so surprisingly quick to jump to the temptation to eat less and the temptation to skip out on condiments and extra “calories”, knowing that I am not as active as I was. My mind is so quick to question my choices of snacks, or how many rice cakes that I should be eating (because apparently 3 is a LOT more than 2) – things that did not phase me one month ago when life was so smooth.
The body checking starts creeping back into my mind, I have such a large mirror in my bedroom why not try and see if my body has changed since 30 minutes ago when I last checked.
The biggest, most challenging thing is the obvious heavy lack of inactivity that I am forced to deal with.
It’s challenges like this that have made me have to take off my active watch, because I see that I am only getting between 1,000 and 2,000 steps in a day (much different to my daily 12,000 + steps) – something triggering and frustrating for me, as my eating disorder brain suddenly remembers how many calories I burn per 1,000 steps.
Things that have made me remind myself to appreciate movement, and appreciate exercises for function, recovery and quality of life – not for killing myself.
I probably won’t be able to do any of my preferred cardio methods (running, cycling, swimming) for quite some time – especially running.
This erks both the perfectionistic, high achiever side of me, as well as the disordered side, “How much fitness will I lose.. AGAIN?”…. “I’m probably going to gain more weight because I can’t burn as much for a while.”…… “I’m going to lose so much leg muscle on one side.”
You see, a lot of people are mentally affected by major set-backs like the one I have recently encountered. And, although I have considered myself “mostly recovered”, it’s the real hardships that bring up and trigger old thoughts, temptations and behaviours.
I am finding ways to acknowledge and dismiss my unhelpful thoughts (for now). However I just wanted to emphasis the fact that although people appear well, and say they are going well – I think there will always be triggering thoughts and temptations running through our minds, that get a lot louder when we experience hardship and challenging times. So be aware of this.
The important thing is, remembering values, remember that I have been in a similar situation before. I got through it just fine in the end – even mentally tougher. It’s the small things that I have learnt along the way to help me deal with unhelpful thoughts and remembering that these hardships are only temporary.. Touching base with friends, voicing how I feel, self care and feel good activities (showers, face washes, stretching), distractions and brain games, ENJOYING MY MUM’S DELICIOUS COOKING – she’s a fckn wizard.
Here’s to a brand new, stronger knee – and a more flexible way of thinking xxxx
