Throughout my journey I have been, and am incredibly lucky to have a loving and extremely supportive family and friendship group – you know who you are xx
Recently, I have been asked by these people how they can help and how they can support others who may be experiencing similar ill mental health.
The truth is there are a lot of ups and downs. A LOT. I remember times of intense arguments, agitation, disrespect and sadness that came over my relationship with those closest – feelings and behaviours that I do not value nor consider part of the real me. But that’s the illness, mental health and eating disorders are a really isolating struggle, and because of the individual nature of these issues it is so hard to know the best way to support someone else experiencing these struggles.
However, there are some things which really make the process of battling an eating disorder and ill mental health a bit less lonely.
- Buckle up for a wide range of emotions.
Anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, agitation and frustration all fall hand in hand with eating disorders. Understand to beat this disorder we will feel extremely uncomfortable and these emotions will more than likely boil to the surface and test relationships – they certainly tested mine.
Stay patient, compassionate and be the best listening, kind ear you can be.
2. Avoid catching up in fast paced, food/drink involved environments
This one goes especially for people who are really struggling with food.
The thought of a fast paced environment with lots of people + food and drink is really anxiety provoking and uncomfortable. Often, those struggling will likely pass this option due to the overwhelming anxiety and discomfort. Only later to feel quite lonely and guilty for not catching up with their friends/family, the fear of food and drink is a lot larger than the value of social memories.
Go for a gentle walk, or sit at the beach or in the park. Or if the person is safe to exercise, offer to go for a session together. A coffee may be completely okay depending on how that person is going
3. Don’t stick your head in the ground – don’t avoid the conversation.
Please don’t be afraid to talk and ask about how treatment is going, and how we are coping with everything. Ask how we are really going. Don’t avoid the topic. Sometimes all we want is to talk about our issues and struggles, it can be very therapeutic and can help us process all our intrusive thoughts.
Yes, some of us see psychologists and professionals to talk about our struggles, however there is an extra level of comfort and trust when the concern is coming from our nearest and dearest friends and family.
If I personally couldn’t vent to my parents or closest friends about how
I’m going, I would probably lose my mind a little. I never expect these people to give me advice, I know they don’t know what to say but that’s okay, a caring and listening ear is invaluable, and voicing our thoughts helps us more than you could ever know.
4. Keep inviting us to social gatherings (as many times as they might not be mentally able to)
Often, when invited to social events and gatherings it is not a surprise to not show up. The anxiety and discomfort from the eating disorder voice can be far too overpowering
Please, be patient, keep inviting and really encourage us to come along. Deep down we truly want to come, but the eating disorder voice doesn’t care about our friends or memories, it only cares for the possible excess calories that might be there, or the fact we can’t get in all of our daily impulsive exercise.
We miss our friends, as isolating as an eating disorder is, things only feel worse when people stop inviting us. Deep down we want to join, so encourage us to beat the voice.
5. Sometimes, a pushy friend and/or family member helps keep accountability.
If we aren’t uncomfortable, we aren’t improving. To beat an eating disorder you need to feel the overwhelming anxiety and guilt and do the opposite of what it wants. This is really hard, hence why sometimes being kept accountable helps get over those first few hurdles.
Depending on your relationship (it takes a special relationship) a pushy friend/family member challenges some behaviours and helps us push through the eating disorder.
For example, when I go out for a brekkie with a girlfriend “We aren’t leaving until you eat all of that Carls”, when the eating disorder voice tells me to not eat all the smashed avo even though it is delish, or, “We are getting chips with our burgers”. These people know when to test the boundaries but are also aware there are boundaries and sometimes it’s just not the right time – the line is very thin.
A gentle, nurturing and supportive approach with a touch of sass works like a charm- please note not all people can take on this role, because it can backfire quite quickly and we may push you away.
6. DO NOT comment on what they are eating.
7. Acknowledge you may not understand – however be there to support and help how you can.
8. Regular check ins. (“How are you” “Been thinking of you” “Hope you’re doing well, “Here to chat if you need”).
9. Avoid appearance related comments.
10. Celebrate small wins and challenges in recovery.
Again, things are different for each individual and it can really depend on your relationship with someone how you approach helping.
Importantly, If you know of someone and you’re not sure how to approach and help them, please feel more than welcome to reach out to me via email or social media. Likewise if you are someone struggling, I see you and I understand what you’re going through, my heart hurts for you but you are not alone.
It is a super hard topic, as support you can only do so much, but that bit of care is more important than you will ever know.
