the truth about battling an eating disorder

Okay fellas stay patient here’s my first attempt at a blog thing.

Nothing about having an eating disorder is glamorous. Not even the recovery process of it, sometimes that’s the hardest part of it all. People  think that having an eating disorder is just a handful of actions and behaviours, like purposely not eating, or making yourself vomit. “Just eat more”, “Just stop making yourself sick”, “Just eat more yummy foods, it’s not that hard”, “if you’re hungry then just eat”. 

What people don’t realise is that an eating disorder is a dangerous mental health illness which stems from constant, distorted and controlling  thoughts, beliefs and emotions that manifest through behaviours (dieting, purging and exercising) .

The best way to describe it is that it’s like we are a prisoner in our own mind, fighting a mental battle constantly between 2 voices – your normal voice and thoughts (The Carla Brain), vs the eating disorder voice. 

We cannot simply just ‘eat more’, even if it is our favourite dessert, or the most delicious dish of nonna’s cooking. Why? Because there is another loud, obsessive voice in our minds, the eating disorder voice. The voice is always there, “You can’t eat that, you didn’t plan to eat that extra bit of calories”……..“Don’t eat that or else you WILL gain an excessive amount of weight and people will backstab you for that”. “You didn’t do extra exercise today, you don’t deserve to eat that”. 

Trapped in our own mind, we know the logical thoughts and behaviours of what any ‘normal’ person would do and think, and we know how overexaggerated these eating disorder thoughts are, however it makes us extremely uncomfortable, anxious and stressed to go against these eating disorder thoughts.

So no, we cannot ‘just eat more’ because there is an enormous controlling battle going on in our minds, logical vs eating disorder voice. And it’s the eating disorder voice that brings us comfort, safety and satisfaction, the satisfaction as if you are achieving a goal.

 It is a LOT easier to ‘not eat that’, to save us the anxiety, stress and a negative, emotional rollercoaster that comes if we do what The Carla brain wants us to do. 

For a very simple  example, pre eating disorder I loved cafe mochas and cappuccinos. I would always order these with no stutter/second thought. The truth is, nobody thinks too much about what their coffee order is when catching up with friends and family right?

*Insert eating disorder*

As soon as I know I’m  planning on going out for a coffee catch up, immediately, even before I go to the cafe the  anxiety and stress elevates  as the eating disorder brain starts telling me to get the long black, definitely no chocolate or ‘extra calories’ and even no milk allowed (even though Carla brain thinks long black tastes like shit). 

As I get to the cafe and see my friend I’m more worried about what coffee I’m going to order rather than seeing a dear friend. As we order, I deep down want that medium cappuccino, but the eating disorder voice keeps telling me I want the long black, or else think about all the extra calories in a cappuccino.  This voice keeps clashing and I’m extremely uncomfortable and anxious at the thought of not ordering a long black. Eventually I order the long black,  and the eating disorder voice is satisfied, no anxiety or stress – but I am completely unsatisfied with my experience and not present with my friend whatsoever. . 

The reality is, the more we listen to the eating disorder voice, the stronger it gets and the harder it is to ignore as well as even more anxiety and discomfort.  

To get out and overcome an eating disorder is extremely uncomfortable. The eating disorder voice does not value our health, friends and family. There is no other option but to feel the nagging anxiety and stress of ignoring the eating disorder, it is truly exhausting, which is why so may people never recover, or the disorder takes their life. 

To overcome this is one step at a time, we need to constantly look into our future and realise and believe we don’t want to be trapped in our own mind forever. The first part of beginning the recovery journey with restoring weight is the easy part. 

Only 6% of people with known eating disorders are actually underweight – even though the stereotypical characteristics of an eating disorder is being skinny and bony. Welcome to recovery, the bigger battle.