We have all done it, complemented someone on their looks, appearance or their weight loss, or how fit and strong they look. We all mean well, and mean it as a genuine compliment and credit to someone. That’s just how society is nowadays, it’s all about how you look. The world praises and glorifies weight loss.
However, I’m not so sure that society realises how toxic and dangerous these comments can be to someone, as much as you might mean well.
Early on, whilst my exercise and diet behaviours were becoming more and more disordered, and I was losing weight, I was getting more compliments than ever on how my body looked. “You’re looking fit”, “Look at you, skinny thang”, “Wow you’ve lost some weight”. Although many of these comments came from good nature, it’s comments like these that drive the disorders, because imagine how many more compliments we would get if we lost more weight
** Insert deep eating disorder**
There is a drive in society, an expectation and goal for females to fit into smaller bodies, even comments like “How are you so skinny, what’s your secret” were thrown around from younger girls. Oh the secret is an unrealistic obsession with counting and restricting food, missing out on all social occasions and doing an excessive amount of compulsive exercise even if we have no energy.
Complimenting someone’s weight loss and shape or ‘tone’, fuels disordered behaviours, because more disordered behaviours and restriction is better, clearly, if that’s what people are complementing.
WEIGHT GAIN RESTORATION
Weight restoration in a lot of restrictive eating disorders is an expected outcome and goal. As difficult as this process is on it’s own, it is DEFINITELY NOT made easier when people compliment or make comments reminding us of this process.
“You’re looking well”, “You look a lot healthier”, “You’re looking so much better, a bit more fuller”. Obviously, friends and family mean well and are pleased to see us recovering. This is taken as a big punch to the stomach, we fear weight gain, we fight a constant battle every day, each time we sit down to eat that we need to restore our weight. To us, these comments translate to “you’re not skinny enough” “you’re getting fat, fat is not good”. Comments like these give that disordered voice more reason to restrict, and stop the recovery journey because we are gaining weight, and people are noticing that, and this is not good.
Imagine thinking you’re on your path to both mental and physical health, battling each day, and someone reminds you that you are gaining weight, the 1 thing you have extreme fear of.
“You’re looking well” = “You’ve gained weight”
Commenting on appearance needs to stop. Although someone may appear happy, they may be battling a serious mental illness which your comments are harmfully fuelling.
Or, what if someone is battling a chronic illness, many deadly diseases and illness can cause a loss of weight – think of something as traumatic as cancer and the treatment. Commenting on weight loss is just as toxic as commenting on weight restoration.
There is an unrealistic expectation and goal in society that being skinny and smaller is better, no matter if it is unhealthy and dangerous.
If you don’t know what to say to someone, before you make comments on their appearance, stop.
- Here are some kinder ideas:
- It’s so good to see you
- I’m so proud of you
- You are glowing today.
- I’m so glad you came.
- I love your energy
- You make me smile
- You’re such a good listener
- You’re a really great friend.
- Or if you’re not sure how someone is deep down, words of support go a long way:
- How are you doing?
- I’m always a listening ear if you need?
- Can I do anything for you?
