I’m not really sure what the hell to write as the introduction for this blab. But it’s pretty much about the fact I have been and always will have the tendency to latch onto numbers and measures and obsess over them (think calories, steps, food weight, body weight, km run, exercise time etc). I think it’s pretty common for people struggling with eating disorders and OCD to struggle with. It’s a bit hard for me to explain what I mean by this, but I hope this next blog gives you a bit of an idea of our continuously ticking mind and how to overcome the anxiety around not meeting these particular measures.
I’m about to talk about some common numeric measures which we commonly obsess over. Meaning, the numbers to these measures consume us. We are not satisfied with ourselves unless these numbers were met, EXACTLY. If for some reason, we can’t meet these exact numbers we set in our mind, then all the emotions of anxiety, frustration, stress and constant thoughts would haunt us mind until we hit those target we set ourselves (many of these targets had no particular meaning, scientific evidence or anything, it is just our mind making them up). Kind of like goals.
However, being such perfectionists, there is no limit to how much more we could do, or how much less we could eat. We could always improve, we were driven to do these things, it is satisfying and comforting to know that we are kicking these food and exercise goals, because we can’t bare the thought of guilt for not.
Here are some personal examples which many people common experience.
CALORIES
Well, this was my language and still is for many people struggling. Often I would sit and spend time planning out what exactly I was going to eat tomorrow, to match my calories. I would not DARE to go over or eat a random m&m someone gave me, because I did not plan this in my budget, and it would make my calories higher than what I set for myself. If I went over, even my a single calorie, then holy heck, I was about to gain a massive amount of weight (according to the eating disorder).
However there was always room to eat less calories than what I set for myself. Less is better (apparently), if I could miss a snack during the day or not finish my entire meal, then i’m eating less calories and this is better. I could always do better.
FOOD WEIGHT
This kind of ties hand in hand with calories. I used to weigh all of my food, to the exact gram. If I scooped out 1 or 2 grams extra oats into my bowl in the morning – then fuck, I am not allowed to that.
If I cooked a big batch of meal prep for 3 meals. Each container HAD to weigh the EXACT same. Otherwise the eating disorder would think that on 1 of those meals that weighed more, I would be eating more calories and therefore go over my calories budget. Big no no.
Weighing food and measuring calories religiously Is something I am still wearing the brunt of. I lost being in tune with my own hunger and fullness cues. I lost knowing what food I actually felt like and what I actually liked. Sometimes I still struggle to dish up my plate and know how much I feel like because for so long I weighed my food and the type of food I had was already pre-planned. It didn’t matter if I didn’t feel like it, or wanted more, that’s what I had.
There are still times now, where I might go out for a meal with a friend or family. And I genuinely don’t know what I feel like or want, or how much of it I eat. For so long it was controlled and now just listening to my body takes a long time to restore.
BODY WEIGHT
The bathroom scales. The calories and food weight I was restricting myself kept driving this number down, and that was extremely satisfying. I used to weigh myself daily, but naked after I laid a log. I kept track of this exactly. My day would genuinely be ruined if I weighed 0.1kg more than I did the day before. If it was 0.3kg more than shit, I had better eat less or exercise more. My mind thrived on seeing this number going down and down and everytime it went up, it would legitimately ruin my day and I would feel extremely guilty about myself.
There was always a way to make this number go down. There was no limit to how much less I could go. My mind was driven to see this number go down.
DISTANCE / TIME EXERCISING
This can get pretty dangerous. Everybody knows that you can’t train or perform your best each and every time you train, you can’t always run a record each time it’s just not ideal training. I thought I could, I made myself. Each time I went for a run I either had to do 1 of 2 things. 1) I had to run further than last time or 2) I had to run faster for a certain distance. Yes that’s right EVERY time I went for a run it HAD to be further or faster than what I ever had done before. There was simply no limit – even if I was sore, had already trained, or just didn’t really feel like going for a 15 km run.
In the gym, I always had to do more sets or reps, or being in the gym for longer. I wasn’t allowed to get off the treadmill until I had walked for 1 km (even though it was at 960m and I was completely over it). I had to hit each target. No shortcuts, ever.
As an example. Sometimes, when I rode the exercise bike I would plan myself to ride for 5km. When I got to 5 km the duration would read 12 minutes 15 seconds. Not a good number (for who knows why), so I made myself ride until a nice round number of 15 mins. Then my distance would read I was up to 6.3 km. Again not a good number, so I would keep riding until it was 7km. This was a deadly cycle, I was never satisfied and once again, there was no limit and I could always do better.
Steps. Step count. Daily step target. Whatever. I wear a fitness watch which tracks my steps. Time and time again I found myself having to hit a daily target of 24,300 steps. That’s a shit load. I was not satisfied until I hit this.I felt like my life would almost end if I only did 18,000 for the day.
As you can understand, achieving and hitting these number targets was like achieving any goal. It was comforting and satisfying, like a routine, it just had to be done. Breaking these routines and targets has been extremely difficult and often we relapse or have set backs. Not completing these targets makes us extremely uncomfortable and emotional and it’s a really hard feeling to sit with, however we need to sit with it and overcome it to achieve full recovery and life. There is so much more to life and living then being obsessed with how many steps you complete in a day. Who actually gives a shit? You are no less of a human if you are not losing weight, if you miss your daily step count. The world still turns around and the sun still rises.
I think I will always have the tendency to attach to numbers, to always want more and better. I remember in school a maths test grade of 39/40 was not good enough for me. There was better to do. I still get attached to finance numbers and I think everyone knows there is more money out there to earn.
To overcome some of these things related to eating disorders I really strongly and passionately recommend these things:
- Remove the bathroom scales. If someone’s emotions and feelings for the day are being determined by what the number on the scales says. Remove them. Get someone to hide them. Chuck them out. Or self worth is not determined by a number.
- Start by not tracking or weighing 1 meal. Yes, completely throwing away the kitchen scales and deleting the calories tracking app is definitely ideal. But sometimes this might be too extreme and hard to do. Start with this. Learn to listen to your body and learn that not tracking or weight your food does not mean that you are going to drastically change in body shape.
- Have a training program / have someone train you It’s pretty simple. Train smarter. More volume does not mean better. Recovery is a key part of performance and more importantly your health.
- Before you go to exercise, ask yourself why?. Before I started working out again, I started journaling whenever I was going to the gym why I was going and what would make me feel good. I constantly check in with myself during exercise to ensure that I’m not falling into the trap of ‘more is better’.
- Look at the Bigger picture. Do you want to be tracking, weighing, measuring forever?
